Dear World,
by twelvegrimmauldplace
Summary: I, Peter Pettigrew, am down a drain in Wormtail form. I feel the lowest I have ever felt in my life and I want to try and explain why. I want to justify myself and my actions, or at least attempt to explain things and how I came to be in this situation.


_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, places or anything you recognise from the Harry Potter world.

* * *

_

_Dear World,_

I grew up in a single parent family and though my mum was good to me and always kind, I never had a male role model – someone to show me and teach me how to be a proper man. Don't get me wrong – my mum taught me right from wrong, but she was _too _nice to me and I ended up scared witless on my first of Hogwarts. As I cut off my own finger I _knew _how much pain my death would cause her, but at the time I had pretty much convinced myself that I was doing the right thing – either way, at that point it was too late to go back.

The Dark Lord and my fellow Death Eaters valued me,_ needed_ me. I was a vital part of establishing the Dark Lord's power firmly and revealing Lily and James' whereabouts was the ultimate task for me. Yes, they were my friends – good friends that I had known for years and could trust without a doubt. How could I sacrifice my friends like that? It wasn't because I ever felt left out or anything – I didn't. I was a Marauder; accepted as part of a group for who I was. I wasn't as clever as Sirius, James or Remus, but it wasn't an issue – I was always involved in every prank or activity and we all helped each other out. They even helped me to become an animagus and we all would've put our lives on the line for each other – just as Sirius was brave enough to do.

Imparting the information of James and Sirius being animagi and what their animagus forms looked like was a turning point for me. It was one of our biggest and best kept secrets, so revealing the details of it meant that I had truly left them for the Dark side. Of course, I still kept up the friendship in order to act as a double agent and report Order of the Phoenix secrets to the Dark Lord, but it was a different, _false_ friendship. Inside I felt detached from them somehow, referring to them in my head by their surnames in an attempt to further distance myself. Even so, I still felt like a traitor and I felt empty deep down – I knew that I had lost the best friends I would ever have.

Before I told Voldemort Lily and James' location I didn't think of how Sirius would react, which, I guess, was rather foolish of me. Sirius was always a skilled dueller and I think that I won only because of his state of mind at the time. He yelled at me about murdering Lily and James, thus giving me a chance to do a few decent spells before he even did anything. Usually he wouldn't have given me an opening like that; usually he was sharp and completely on top of things, but these were, as we all know, unusual circumstances.

When Sirius came to me and spoke of the Fidelius Charm and suggested that _I_ be the Secret Keeper for Lily and James I couldn't believe my luck. They were handing it to me on a plate. At that moment, at that opportunity I believe that I could've redeemed myself to them and stopped that awful feeling of loss inside. I could've kept their location a secret – Voldemort was a trained Legilimens, but I was trained in Occlumency and able to keep him away from thoughts that I did not want him to see. And even if he did see, I could've fought back and faced any torture until I died, just like my friends would've done for me. I could've gone along with the idea that Sirius must be the Potter's Secret Keeper – that was Sirius' plan after all – and I knew he wouldn't crack under any pressure or torture. Nobody would've been any the wiser.

But I decided to impart the secret to Voldemort. Being a Death Eater means constantly proving your 'worth' – whatever that may or may not entail. You have to constantly be hearing things and telling information – these get you more rank than any torture or mugglebaiting. Like all the others, I wanted my rank, my status, my place of importance among the Death Eater hierarchy and telling the Potter's secret would certainly get me that and, perhaps best of all, rank over Snape. We were both in the Order of the Phoenix and we were both Death Eaters so we always had much to report, but he currently held the high score board with his overhearing of the prophecy by Trelawney.

Both Snape and I were involved in creating Voldemort's Horcruxes and, of course, Regulus Black. I had seen what could happen when someone decided to attempt to leave the Dark side and it wasn't pleasant, I can tell you. At school I was on the 'good' side and, due to my knowledge of Sirius' experiences with Regulus and his views, and encounters with Regulus myself, I had never liked the guy. However, going against the Dark side, trying to follow his newly realised beliefs, he earned my respect. Regulus must've known what would happen to him; he surely must've known we would be after him, but he followed his beliefs anyway and walked away from us and his parents – that took a hell of a lot of guts.

Guts are something I've always admired. Partly because mine seem to fail me so often. Yes, being a Death Eater took a lot of guts – being ruthless, being _evil_, being alone. Because nobody could trust anyone else on the Dark side. Every person was out for themselves and themselves only. If people worked with you on something you could guarantee that they were only doing so because it would benefit them in some way – and they might even attempt to take the credit for your work too.

It took more guts to fight_ against_ Voldemort and that's how mine failed me. I admit I was scared of Voldemort. I was scared of duelling against him and I was scared of being on the losing side. Whereas the Death Eaters seemed to rely quite heavily on Voldemort's power and leadership and might dwindle if he was somehow defeated, the Order of the Phoenix were dedicated and would fight to death and continue even if they lost Dumbledore.

I felt guilty about Harry. I understood why Voldemort was aiming to Avada him before he could pose any sort of problematic threat to power, but it seemed such a dirty trick. I should've been used to dirty tricks and I have certainly learned the hard way that life just isn't fair and never will be, but Harry was so innocent. He had his whole life ahead of him and it seemed wrong to cut that short so cruelly. Baby Harry bought back memories of school before Lily and James had got together and James would always say he was going to marry Lily and have 6 children.  
I also felt guilty about the assumptions that were made about Remus. The assumptions helped me, but added to my guilt immensely.

Getting into Death Eater hierarchy was an achievement, but I now realise that it was the worst kind of achievement possible. One of constant envy and resentment, yet one that made people look up to you and ask you for your views or help on plans. One that made you finally see what you were really doing, what these people were aspiring to do and become, and one that made you realise how hollow you really were deep down. I was nearly there and would've been there had Harry not had Lily's protection. But, soon after, I realised that I never would've wanted it anyway. It was a position that was easily lost and I would forever be striving to reach that peak once again.

In a way it was good to know that I still had the capability to see and foresee how my actions affected others. I was glad I could still feel guilt. My fellow Death Eaters didn't seem to feel that they were doing anything wrong. I carried on, caught in both their flow and my own. I ignored that heavy guilty feeling and laboured on despite my natural instincts. Maybe at least some of them felt the same as me, but if they did they certainly hid it well. Maybe they relished the hollow feeling or maybe they didn't feel that what they were doing was, in some way, wrong – maybe what they were doing made them feel not empty but _whole._

When I cut off my finger after killing twelve innocent muggles and framing Sirius, when I was plopped into the drain in rat form, the realisation hit me. My closest friends were either dead, in prison or shunned because of_ my_ actions. It wasn't something I set out to do. In those moments I felt more alone than I have ever felt before and so, _so_ empty inside. I physically felt the lost of my best friends and I knew that loneliness would be my only true friend from now on.

Now that they were all gone it was clear to me that I could never, ever go back to the 'good' side and be fully trusted. Anyone with an ounce of sense wouldn't believe me anymore. How could anyone betray their closest friends and then suddenly find the guts to return to the 'good' side after they had done so? It would be stupid and inexcusable and, apart from weak friendships, there is nothing to go back there for.

They would be suspicious of me and what had happened with Sirius – why did I cut my finger off and pretend to be dead? Even if I could convince them of my innocence and pretend that I was scared to face Sirius after he had got James and Lily murdered, I would still have to endure their pity. Their pity, their guts and sheer determination – their ability to ignore any bad side of themselves, if indeed they even have any kind of bad side.

And I'm sure Remus would be able to see right through me anyway. Even if he couldn't he would surely be wary because he thought he could trust Sirius and, as far as he knows, Sirius betrayed Lily and James. Being around good people would also bring out the guilty side of me and my secrets would be gnawing away at me until I told them all the truth – and then they would all hate me. My decision has been finalised.

And I don't have my mum anymore either – to her I am dead; to her I died honourably. In some ways it hurts that she never knew the real me and never will, but the truth would've hurt her too much anyway. I have lost her love forever.

Part of me regrets what I did and part of me doesn't, but I definitely regret how things turned out in the end. Deaths were necessary to the cause and though I have described my feelings and opinions, I always found it easy to just wipe away those feelings, replacing them with new ones that enjoyed being a Death Eater and overriding those opinions; allowing myself to become the ruthless me that always won over. I care about myself more than anyone else, just like a true Death Eater always does.

I say I felt guilt, but I never once stopped or tried to go against Voldemort like Regulus did. I was too much of a coward to take a stand like that and I didn't want to anyway – even if I felt that killing innocent people was wrong I still did it. It was that dominant, ruthless part of me that wiped that guilt and human feeling away.

So, here I am, down a drain, saying goodbye. Saying goodbye to having a conscience, saying goodbye to my only true friends, saying goodbye to my mum and saying goodbye to my freedom.

_Peter Pettigrew_ - a rat in every way.

* * *

_A/N: An attempted explanation of Peter and his actions (posted recently elsewhere for a Writer's Duel - tisn't kept in archive (as far as I know) so I am posting here -I like it all together anyway). Maybe it's a little confusing, but this is how I think he was, as in perhaps a little confused himself and, though it's like a letter it's meant to be a rushed one, so more like a stream of thought than something edited.  
Reviews welcomed.  
Tanya x_


End file.
